Feminist Lists 20 Tips for Your First Abortion

In Defense of the Defenseless

Few things are sadder, or more terrifying, than the devaluation of human life. Feminist Madeleine Roe, who clearly lacks any understanding of what an abortion truly does to a living human being, gives the following advice for a mother’s first experience with having her children killed…

1. It does not matter if you were on birth control, if you forgot just this once, or if you didn’t think at all. It does not matter if it was your husband, your boyfriend, or someone who was really working those olive corduroy pants. You are pregnant. And you are the one that is freaking the fuck out.

2. Tell someone else who will support you. Tell a friend, a family member, post it on Reddit, or whisper it to your cat, Miss Poke. Know you are not alone in this.

3. Google is your best friend and worst enemy. Avoid any website that uses the word “life.” They will not help you. Also avoid all images. All of them. Even if it promises to be a cartoon drawing called “Olivia the Ovary.” They will not help you either. Read medical articles. Know your options. Treat it like applying to grad school: too much information and you drown; too little information and you drown. Tread lightly.

4. Make the appointment. Don’t be offended that the person on the phone doesn’t give a shit. Take the nonchalance as a sign that it is no big deal. It could be a teeth cleaning. A very deep teeth cleaning.

5. The time between making the appointment and going to the appointment is the worst. Stay busy. Drink heavily. You are not showing yet. Talk to Miss Poke some more. Drink some more. You are still not showing. It will be over soon.

6. In the waiting room, don’t assume anything about anyone except that they aren’t assuming anything about you. Read the packets. Well, skim the packets. They will repeat it all again later.

7. It will cost around six hundred dollars. Consider the cost of raising a child. Consider the cost of that Beyoncé concert ticket you almost bought. Now, let it go.

8. Don’t be offended by the leading questions. The nurses are concerned about your safety. It only sounds like a Lifetime movie. Answer honestly.

9. Technology that tells you exactly how far along you are now exists. And it is terrible. You want to be zero days along, negative days along, but listen when the nurse says, “six weeks and five days.” Don’t dwell on this number.

10. If you say nothing, you will see nothing during the ultrasound. The nurses are humans, not monsters, just like you.

11. There are going to be other people in the room. Don’t wonder why one chose neon green nail polish. Don’t look for fear in the eyes of the puppy dogs dotting their scrubs. They’re professionals. They chose to be here, just like you.

12. You know the medium-sized metal bowl you use to mix pancake batter? The bowl your parents stored Halloween candy in? That bowl will also be in the room. It is for exactly what you think it is for.

13. They are dilating you only to the size of a pencil. But it feels Montana wide and big enough to smuggle kilos of cocaine. Be in awe at the depths of your body.

14. There will be a pain like someone sucking or pulling out your insides.

15. There will be a noise like someone sucking or pulling out your insides. Be mad that the Dyson guy did not put his energies elsewhere. Focus on the classical music playing in the background. Imagine if Bach ever knew what it would be used for.

16. Tell the doctor where you work. Redefine the meaning of small talk. Listen to her as she raves about the new Vietnamese sub shop off Grand. Watch her nod at the nurses. Let her rub your arm and tell you it’s all done.

17. Feel tears well up as they remove the tools propping you open. Let the tears go. Don’t sit up until they tell you. Feel lightheaded. Dress slowly and leave the room.

18. In the next room, listen to the instructions from the nurse with the soothing Caribbean accent. Assume she is in this room because of that nice accent. Eat the animal crackers. Drink the apple juice. Realize the tears were about hormones and relief. Breathe deeply.

19. Go to the bathroom and look at the chart that depicts how much blood is too much blood. Wonder at the verbiage, “a scant amount,” “a surplus.” Steal some extra pads from the basket by the door.

20. Go home. Relax. Eat a big meal. Process your emotions. Take a shower. Talk with your friends. Cry with your friends. Make inappropriate jokes about how you were “killin’ it” today and laugh with your friends. Eat a pound of chocolate. Listen to some Bon Iver. Take aspirin. Listen to some ABBA. Dance with Miss Poke. Watch a movie. Take your antibiotics. Buy a new dress off Zappos. Use a heating pad. Call your mom. Reread a book from your teenage years. Do whatever you want. Maybe make a list of all the things you learned.

What have we become when we are not only willing to kill our own living sons and daughters while cradled in the womb, but then trivialize their lives and their brutal deaths? Abortion is a mile marker on a journey that will only grow darker and more depraved unless we take action to reclaim our lost humanity.

The future belongs to all of us.

7 responses to Feminist Lists 20 Tips for Your First Abortion

  1. If you’re so concerned about human life, why aren’t you on the street every single day, trying to help the millions of children in America who are hungry, homeless, sick… What exactly are you doing to help the poisoned children of Flint?

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    • cultureshift – Author

      We don’t have to solve every single problem in the world to solve just one. If that were the case, nothing would ever get done. Each of us focus on issues that move us to action, and no issue moves me more than protecting an innocent child from death. You bring up the children of Flint who were unintentionally poisoned by elevated levels of lead in their drinking water. I am fighting against the intentional poisoning of children with RU-486 – a drug designed and administered to kill them. By the way, I do work to help children who are hungry, homeless, and sick, but our first priority must be to the children who are scheduled to die today.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. i object to just one thing: in the title, your FIRST abortion. after number one, there should be no number two. some people think this is the only form of birth control. my foster daughter was 16 when she got pregnant, it was like she’d received a badge of honor. then i found she was low “girl” on the totem pole. her friends were bragging about how many abortions they’d had.

    unclear on the concept?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I too am all for solving the issue of abortion. No woman should ever be put in a position of needing one. But what I find perplexing is that most pro-life types also do not believe in providing contraception. If the goal truly is to eliminate the need for abortion, then I would think you all would be for providing free contraception, since that is the only way that has statistically proven to actually lower the rates of abortion. But that’s not what happens. You all oppose contraception too. I don’t get it. Why? I already know the answer however. It’s not really about saving babies. It’s about regulating women’s choices regarding her own sexuality. Deep down, folks like you believe that women should not be having sex unless it’s to procreate. And if a woman dares to engage in sex, even within marriage, she is therefore forced or “punished” with having to bear the child. So very very sad. Again, countries that provide free birth control to women have the lowest abortion rates. It’s very easy to verify if you would just bother to look. But I suspect you won’t.

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  4. I am very pro-life, but also very pro-contraception. I don’t get that vibe at all from most of my friends and colleagues that are pro-life. Women have the right to choices; I just don’t believe that abortion should be one of those choices.
    I agree with you that contraception should be more accessible. I have a friend, a 26 year old woman in a long-term relationship, who has no desire to have children, nor does her boyfriend. She has offered to pay out of pocket for a hysterectomy or ablation surgery, not only to prevent her from getting pregnant, but also to relieve a very painful condition where she has multiple cysts on her ovaries. No doctor will agree to perform the surgery because it could render her infertile. But yet doctors will perform abortions daily? Doesn’t make sense to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Anonymous

    Abortion is murder! One of God’s commandments is THOU SHALL NOT KILL!! Instead of having an abortion you can have your baby and give it ro a loving couple who wants children. Life begins at conception. God help you all. Please pray and always know their are choices. Choose life.

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  6. Rick

    Advice about your first abortion? Grow a conscience and don’t do it. Let your child live.

    Like

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