To start off, I love you more than anyone could possibly conceive. You are the most wonderful and undeserved gift I have ever been blessed with and I never took that for granted. I fell deeply in love with you years before I knew I was going to have you.
Your dad and I picked out your name long, long ago and we dreamt of you often. About three years ago, we began to share these visions of you and all of your beauty. You have silky brown hair; big blue eyes and you like to wear rain boots.
When I found out that I was having you, I was all alone. It was two days before Father’s Day and the timing couldn’t have been more terrifying. Your dad called me that day and I could hear him choking up as he said, “This is my first father’s day. I can’t believe it. I’m so proud.” That was a good day, one that I will always carry with me.
We were a family.
From that moment on, we decided to make the best of our situation and we discussed all of our options, but one thing led to another and we were so horrified at what could happen to you. We couldn’t imagine watching someone else be your mother or father, but we knew we couldn’t protect you from the horrors and reality of what we had to offer, which wasn’t much.
We did the only thing we thought we could, to protect you. I would take it back in a heartbeat to be able to see you smile, hear you laugh, hear you cry, and hold you. I have already missed so much. I am so heartbroken that we thought our love for you wouldn’t be enough to satisfy you. I am so sad that we haven’t met yet, but I know you are in a much better place now.
I didn’t want you to experience all of the pain of my world for one second. I couldn’t face bringing you up in an environment where you would not have every opportunity open to you. It was shattering my soul, but I am so sorry I didn’t give you the chance to share your love with the world. I was wrong. I know that now.
Please forgive me.
You’re my baby girl and I will never forget you and the time we had together. I was so blessed to know you even for 40 days. You inspire me to persevere, love, and hope. In your memory, I hope to pass that onto others. It is killing me to give you up, but I know that God can provide for you much better than we ever could.
I still remember the day that we lost you. Your dad held me for hours and kept repeating that we would see you again one day, and that is why I hold on. It was the hardest I have ever cried in my life, the day I had to say goodbye to you.
You are so special and beautiful and I can’t wait to see you again, where there will finally be no pain or tears.
I love you, Bella.
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