The days following…
I really don’t remember that much about the days that followed. The main abortion was on a Thursday and I had put myself on the schedule to work Saturday, but Friday I was totally spent and exhausted. I wasn’t expecting to still be in pain but I was so I had to find someone to cover me for the next few days. I don’t think I did much – just laid in bed and watched tv. Dom came back but I don’t think we spoke about it at all. There was still a fair amount of hostility on both our sides, though I was very relieved it was over. I think I finally went back to work Monday. I still felt hormonal and puffy for weeks after. Just unattractive and not sexual. Used up (kind of the way I always feel now). I pretty much got back to work and pushed it out of my mind. Two weeks later I fought with my parents and they cut me off, which made way more of an impact on my life at the time (at least consciously). I moved in with dom and that was that. Moving in with him was great – it made us more solid as a couple and we became much more in love, though I guess this always loomed over us. It feels silly to be sad about it now but I miss that love and companionship so much right now. My heart aches for love. It’s funny how little I remember of my feelings post-abortion. I think I wouldn’t let myself have emotions. I was strong and emotionless; to me I had done what needed to be done and was relieved, though I felt empty and alone for sure. Then I pretended it never happened, as did dom, and we just play acted that the whole situation never was. That meant that we were able to stay together for several years more but when we fought we would always say I was without emotion, that it was my big flaw. My mother had always said I was too emotional so I thought it was in reaction to that that I closed down but I think a lot was the abortion – being so wounded and alone on such a deep level and being unable to mourn because of dom’s reaction and because I couldn’t reconcile grief with the reality that I felt I had to get rid of the baby. I thought it was my only option and I thought it was an option that didn’t allow for emotion or feeling or grief or sadness – I was only allowed to feel relief or happiness it was over – any other emotions were blamed on hormones (which I don’t think ever got back to normal post-abortion).
Abortion kills an innocent child. And we all know it. Some choose to suppress the truth because of their fear of responsibility and their need to assuage the guilt they feel for what they have done.
If you don’t want your child, place them for adoption. Your little boy or girl gets to experience a lifetime of challenges and joys, their adoptive family gets to impact their life and love them as their own, and you get to live guilt-free knowing that you sacrificed for your child instead of sacrificed your child.
Stand for Life.
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