I’ve been trying to figure out why it is that talking about my abortion seems to be triggering a downward spiral within me. A sudden urge to run away and fall in love with the first person I meet and just be independent and move away and burn bridges.
I feel like I’m worried that I might never get another chance to be a mother again and I might just remain haunted by the ghost of my former pregnancy.
The crazy part is that I don’t even want children and I never did. The pregnancy was never supposed to happen. I never anticipated being raped and I sure as hell didn’t expect to get pregnant from it. No one told me you couldn’t shut off maternal instinct like a switch. No one told me that I would remain haunted for years by the memory of a child I never got to meet or hold.
God, I’m fucking crazy sometimes. I don’t understand why it even matters anymore. I wasn’t even that far along, but knowing I had a new life inside of me still aches to remember.
But I’m still a mother. So much in me still wants to love and care for the child I aborted. I feel a lot of warmth within me, an urge to care for others.
I want to love and be loved. I want to undo the past.
You are obviously a good person who made a terrible mistake. You have a heart of gold and it shows. I, too, wish you could undo the past. I wish your child was here with you now, snuggling against your body, listening to your heartbeat as they drift off to sleep. Children are the greatest gift of all, they are the most amazing thing about life. Although the circumstances behind your impregnation were not ideal, the resulting child was just as innocent as you were.
I am sure others helped to push you into aborting because most people cannot see past the crime of the father, they cannot separate the child from the act. They are narrow minded and have no ability to think about second and third order effects. It’s this two-dimensional thinking that leads to the sad choice of abortion.
Mothers who choose to kill their children can only see the moment they live in now. They cannot project themselves and their children 20 to 30 years into the future. They cannot imagine the joy of holding the grandchildren provided by the child they aborted. They can only see themselves in the here and now. And the result is a dead child. The result is a lifetime of misery and suffering.
Because you clearly regret your decision and you are publicly sharing your pain, you are saving lives. Children will be saved from the slaughter of abortion because of your honesty and willingness to share your raw feelings. These children will live because of you. I hope this brings you some solace. And I hope you will fight to end abortion.
I also hope you know that you are loved and forgiven, even if you can’t undo the past.
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